Clever Teddy?

There has been some debate in the 'Them Indoors' household as to how bright I am. 'Him Indoors' reckons I'm a genius just because I like him, whereas 'Her Indoors' reckons I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed. As she's comparing me to the Boss, Rolo, who was undoubtedly one of the smartest dogs you could ever hope to meet, an intelligence he deployed with an admirable focus, in finding his way around all the petty rules and regulations 'Them indoors' like to impose, that's hardly a fair comparison. Anyway, to demonstrate my intellectual capacity, I thought I'd have a go at an academic essay. 'Her Indoors', with admirable timing, has her first assignment of her PhD, due in early January, so she's been huffing and puffing at her computer. I think she' making heavy weather of it personally. Take a look at mine and then come on, University of Lancaster, hand over my dogtorate!

Question

Is it acceptable for a dog to be made to wear a Christmas jumper? Discuss, with reference to relevant literature.

Introduction

In modern Instagram times, it is increasingly popular to dress dogs in Christmas jumpers. Whilst there are varying views on this, unquestionably, it should be the dog’s that are paramount, however, we will be considering a range of others before growling with hackles raised, undermining their research techniques, and blowing them out of the water.

Before we consider this important question, we need to first establish the exact meaning of key terminology. A Christmas jumper is a knitted dog coat that responds in a similar way to knitted swimming trunks when wet. It features a festive yet secular scene, often but not always, adorned by pom-poms highlighting salient features for jocular effect. Whilst it might be appropriate at this point to define ‘dog’, referencing perhaps the vernacular alternative term ‘fur’, but if you don’t actually know that a dog is a furry four-legged creature with a loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other, then you really need to book yourself into elementary education classes, ideally at a pre-school level, and jog on. This paper is addressed at intelligent individuals.

Against Christmas Jumpers

We shall be considering a range of sources, arguably the most redoubtable being a ‘Pet Owners’ Guide to the Border Terrier’ by Betty Judge. Whilst this is clearly a book focusing on Border Terriers rather than the more generalised ‘dog’, this bias is perfectly acceptable by any right-thinking person. Judge (1999 – she brought out an up-dated version in 2015, but ‘Her Indoors’ is too tight to buy it), doesn’t talk specifically about Christmas jumpers in her book but this does not stop an opinion being formulated, based on the clues in the text. She appears a no-nonsense old-school type who would be unlikely to approve, although she notes the tolerant Border Terrier nature with children ‘even allowing themselves to be dressed up and made to look silly’. I think that says it all Betty.

And the RSPCA, that champion of animal rights and welfare, agrees, or at least they did in December 2015. Not only are Christmas jumpers undignified, they may be cruel. The flapping around in anatomical regions where canines are unused to having flapping, may cause alarm and as dogs communicate with people and with each other, by using their ears, tails, body positions and eyes, anything that covers those hinders this vital process. However, the likelihood of the RSPCA finding a jumper that engulfs all of those body parts, unless of course it was made by ‘Her Indoors’ when having trouble with a knitting pattern, is very remote and provides a significant flaw in their argument. Jumpers are just that; jumpers. They cover the chest and back but have holes for the head and legs plus freedom in the wagging and evacuation departments.

On the Other Paw

So having established that the RSPCA don’t know what a jumper looks like, other research, more conversant with modern canine attire, must be referenced such as the definitive text on dog-human relationships, authored by the respected international authority, Rolo Stockton, ‘Sit, Stay, Roll Over’. He states that, for the older dog, a nice comfy coat can be a good thing, but he warns against fashion conscious owners making their dog look ‘a complete t*t’. Christmas jumpers might well come into that category and the attitude advocated by Stockton (2017) of ‘what’s in it for me?’ needs to be consistently applied if the correct decision it to be made. Even the RSPCA acknowledges that for short-haired or no-haired breeds, young, sick or elderly dogs, a little festive woolly might actually be beneficial.

To get a wider selection of canine views, we will consider a recent survey, conducted via Twitter. A random self-selecting sample of 128 respondents, out of a potential 1453 followers, were given a choice of three possible responses to the concept of Christmas jumpers for dogs. Results were evenly divided between ‘a warm extra layer’ 31%, ‘a bit of fun’ 35% , and ‘make a fur look a t*t’ 34%. The results reflect the dichotomy of views expressed by Stockton (2017) and the RSPCA, but, on the other paw, consideration needs to be given to the fact that these are tweeting dogs, so they’re a bun short of a picnic in the first instance. Some of the individual feedback suggests a more positive view. @BonnieBooBT suggests that not only does she like a jumper, but it pleases her humum, which adds an extra validity. @kthreadgold113 suggests that he sleeps better in a jumper and @bodie4paws intimates that a jumper is like a blanket so they are quite happy. However, there are some dissenting views. @b_terrierists suggest that a Christmas jumper is ‘like being trapped by a scary monster’, and @baggins_tilbo agrees that ‘I don’t like it. I try everything to get it off me’.

Conclusion

 This varying range of views needs to be taken into account in any final conclusion, but the evidence suggests that there is a slight edge in favour of Christmas jumpers as an acceptable demonstration of festive cheer. Further research would assist in reaching a definitive conclusion, but it is suggested that furs take to their beddie before exerting their mental capacities any further.

Bibliography

Judge B, Pet Owners Guide to the Border Terrier, Ringpress Books Ltd. 1999

RSPCA, Somewhere on the internet *waves paw vaguely*

Stockton H, Sit, Stay, Roll Over, Quill and Apple Publishing, 2017

BonnieBoo et al. (not sure who Al is, but he’s very productive) 2019. Does anyone read this far anyway to be honest…

And here's my academic poster.........